Next up on the right: BYOB at a place called A$$ets...
Yup. It is exactly what you think it is.
30 long minutes into our journey, we arrive at the county line. The drive-in beer store is flanked on both sides by warehouses. Windowless warehouses and girly signs outside. Awesome. We parked and tried to enter the store. It was locked. Oh sweet Canadian mullet, someone save us.
5:30 pm: We arrive in a populated town with a Kroger. It has a meager selection. But we spend $57 and drag our tired, bored and hungry children out. Compassionate clerk hands my kids a huge stack of Kroger stickers.
5:45 pm: On the advice of the friendly clerk, we hit up the local liquor store. As we pull in the parking spot, Jason starts to shake. He jumps out of the van to check the trunk of the minivan. He starts screaming "GO BACK!! GOOOO BAAACKKKK!!!
I'm in the passenger seat. Go back where??
He jumps in the drivers seat, hits the hazards, and runs the first red light. Fifty-seven dollars worth of booze is still sitting abandoned in the Kroger parking lot!
Beads of sober sweat start pouring down our cheeks. Our parched throats start screaming in agony. Get that ambulance out of our way!!!! WE HAVE TO SAVE THE BOOZE!!!
We spend the 5 minutes at the next red light planning our attack. I would dive out of the moving van and into the store to inquire about a cart full of booze while Jason circled the parking lot to scope out any abandoned carts.
Cart spotted before I completed my swan dive. Full of booze. Thank you Jesus.
6:00 pm: Return to liquor store to complete what we started. It will be a cold day in hell before I return on this journey and $57 worth of booze isn't nearly enough. What am I going to drink tomorrow??
While Jason shops, I nurse the baby, wave to the meth-head trying to get my attention for some cash, and watch Leo cover himself with Kroger stickers.
6:15 pm: Jason has an out-of-state drivers license and a $100 dollar bill. Both need verification of authenticity. I break into one of the bottles.
6:30 pm: Fully-stocked and raring to go, we are forced to stop at Whataburger. $25 dollars later. We start our journey home. Down a completely different highway to avoid the filth we passed on the way.
6:45 pm: Leo is covered in 20 painfully sticky Kroger stickers up and down his arms and starts freaking out. I remove them quick like bandaids. Oh the screaming!
7:00 pm: We arrive home and unload the booze.
8:00 pm: We go back out for the kids.
Damn you dry county. Damn you.