For the love of booze

How far would you go for booze??

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4:30 pm: We set off as a family on a 1 hour roundtrip journey to the county line for legal booze.  The scenery was beautiful on the long country road.  Then we started to see the occasional trailer home pop up.  Then the triple-X drive-in...packed with cars.  Stomach starts churning.  But with the promise of booze at the end of the road, we pressed on.

Next up on the right: BYOB at a place called A$$ets...


Yup.  It is exactly what you think it is.

30 long minutes into our journey, we arrive at the county line.  The drive-in beer store is flanked on both sides by warehouses.  Windowless warehouses and girly signs outside.  Awesome.  We parked and tried to enter the store.  It was locked.  Oh sweet Canadian mullet, someone save us.

5:30 pm: We arrive in a populated town with a Kroger.  It has a meager selection.  But we spend $57 and drag our tired, bored and hungry children out.  Compassionate clerk hands my kids a huge stack of Kroger stickers.

5:45 pm: On the advice of the friendly clerk, we hit up the local liquor store.  As we pull in the parking spot, Jason starts to shake.  He jumps out of the van to check the trunk of the minivan.  He starts screaming "GO BACK!!  GOOOO BAAACKKKK!!!

I'm in the passenger seat.  Go back where??

He jumps in the drivers seat, hits the hazards, and runs the first red light.  Fifty-seven dollars worth of booze is still sitting abandoned in the Kroger parking lot!

Beads of sober sweat start pouring down our cheeks.  Our parched throats start screaming in agony.  Get that ambulance out of our way!!!!  WE HAVE TO  SAVE THE BOOZE!!!

We spend the 5 minutes at the next red light planning our attack.  I would dive out of the moving van and into the store to inquire about a cart full of booze while Jason circled the parking lot to scope out any abandoned carts.

Cart spotted before I completed my swan dive.  Full of booze.  Thank you Jesus.

6:00 pm: Return to liquor store to complete what we started.  It will be a cold day in hell before I return on this journey and $57 worth of booze isn't nearly enough.  What am I going to drink tomorrow??

While Jason shops, I nurse the baby, wave to the meth-head trying to get my attention for some cash, and watch Leo cover himself with Kroger stickers.

6:15 pm: Jason has an out-of-state drivers license and a $100 dollar bill.  Both need verification of authenticity.  I break into one of the bottles.

6:30 pm: Fully-stocked and raring to go, we are forced to stop at Whataburger.  $25 dollars later.  We start our journey home.  Down a completely different highway to avoid the filth we passed on the way.

6:45 pm: Leo is covered in 20 painfully sticky Kroger stickers up and down his arms and starts freaking out.  I remove them quick like bandaids.  Oh the screaming!

7:00 pm: We arrive home and unload the booze.


8:00 pm: We go back out for the kids.


Damn you dry county.  Damn you.

11 comments:

  1. I have been waiting for this! Somehow reading this instead of hearing you tell me the story made it even more gross, saddening, and all around just made me want to give you a hug.

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  2. Love this tale. I've never heard of a dry county, or maybe that's because I'm Irish and no such thing exists.

    But this is what astonishes me about the whole story - doesn't Jason just make his own beer?

    And poor poor Leo with the stickers, I could almost feel his pain.

    Love the time lapse between getting home and when you went to get the kids out of the car. You crack me up!

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  3. HAHAHA! I could read your stories all day! You should make a book of them!

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  4. love it - booze first, kids second :) jk
    ps- LOVE your wine and beer choices.

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  5. The best part was the box that says "family reunion... with one special guest". Love it.

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  6. You better visit us with an empty minivan so you can stock up in our WET county! Welcome to East Texas. :)

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  7. This is fantastic. I might just go have a mid-day glass of wine in honor of your valor.

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  8. OH MY! I was laughing all the way through your awful adventure! Stupid, stupid county...

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  9. o.O

    Ummm... I can give you the URL for some wineries here. If you're going to go to all that trouble, you can at least get some good stuff.

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  10. We have a wonderful winery over our way also. Conveniently owned by our assistant pastor and her husband, the doctor. Check out Enoch Stomp Winery. You won't be sorry.

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  11. Oh my gosh. Even funnier the second time!

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